PP14. Confession of Self

How can I reflect you, O Lord,
When I cannot look at myself in the mirror?
People have called me names.
I started to believe them and I prayed for relief.
I found no refuge in the church or in You.
I sought Your comfort, but You withheld it from me.

Where were You, when I was looking for Death
to place his comforting arms around me?
Where were You, when I was being told to Die?
They told me they were saying it in Your Name?

I confess - I believed them.
I did not know You loved me then.
I did not hear You calling my name.
I did not see the signs of care and concern.
I did not know there would be
Sanctuary and Refuge in safe communities.
I did not believe in myself -
That I am, indeed, Your precious and beloved one.
I did not know You made me to be like this.
You did not make a mistake with me.

I am only learning now to see Your love for me
And not flinch.
I am only learning to see me, through the eyes
of the one You have sent me
who, one day, I hope to marry.

I confess, it is hard to hang on...
To wait through this dismal time of pregnant hope,
trying to stave off despair.                                                        
I confess, I find it hard to have faith.

Lord, help my unbelief.
Bless my one beloved - and bless me.                        
Amen