Denial
Is it denial to talk to him in my head,
to hold a rolling commentary,
knowing I am only imagining his responses?
Is it denial to continue to eat what he thought was healthy?
Is it denial to go to the places that make meaning for us?
Not because of the places but because
I use the term make rather than made?
Is it denial to place him in my present
when his life is past?
Is denial the same as rejection?
Is denial simply saying no?
Perhaps the time of mourning
is the No
of my body and soul
to explanations or narratives of the mind?
Truth struggles to integrate the facets of my life
and I resist assumptions about how life will evolve now.
He is not present to help me with my choices,
but I strongly deny the choice to move ahead without him.
No.
I will seek a path where
it is not wrong
for his story to continue in mine.
Is this denial?
Who dares deny me?
© A A Koh-Butler, 2020
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