Wednesday, 26 February 2020

Evocation #69 Present

Unwrapping package
Delight of thoughtfulness
Knowing this friend is a carer
Anticipation builds
Envelope torn
Emergence of notation
Like pass the parcel
Layers unfold
Hidden inside is love
Captured in images 
Collected in meaning
Tears stream, yet again,
And I give thanks
For moments and memories
For love lost and present.

© A A Koh-Butler, 2020

Lent 2020 - praying the psalms

ASH WEDNESDAY

READ 
Psalm 51:1-17
51:1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; 
according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions.
51:2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.
51:3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.
51:4 Against you, you alone, have I sinned, and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are justified in your sentence and blameless when you pass judgment.
51:5 Indeed, I was born guilty, a sinner when my mother conceived me.
51:6 You desire truth in the inward being; therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart.
51:7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
51:8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have crushed rejoice.
51:9 Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities.
51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me.
51:11 Do not cast me away from your presence, and do not take your holy spirit from me.
51:12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and sustain in me a willing spirit.
51:13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you.
51:14 Deliver me from bloodshed, O God, O God of my salvation, 
and my tongue will sing aloud of your deliverance.
51:15 O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.
51:16 For you have no delight in sacrifice; 
if I were to give a burnt offering, you would not be pleased.
51:17 The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; 
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

REFLECTION
As we reflect on our need for mercy,
We remember one of the names for God (in all the theistic religions) is Mercy or The Merciful One.
In what ways do we need mercy? In what ways are we called on the exercise mercy?
Mercy is associated with forgiveness and compassion. The Psalmist describes the longing for joy and restoration and the struggle to seek mercy and restoration through a broken spirit.
This period of Lent allows us to look into places of woundedness and healing, perhaps even examining our scars. We are able to consider what mercy continues to be needed.
We can also make personal commitments to become bearers of mercy for the sake of the world.

PRAYER
Merciful God, as you pour your compassion out on me, I ask that you remake my heart, mind and spirit in your reflection. May I become a creature of mercy. Amen 












WEEK 1

Psalm 32
32:1 Happy are those whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.
32:2 Happy are those to whom the LORD imputes no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit.
32:3 While I kept silence, my body wasted away through my groaning all day long.
32:4 For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. Selah
32:5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not hide my iniquity; I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD," and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah
32:6 Therefore let all who are faithful offer prayer to you; at a time of distress, the rush of mighty waters shall not reach them.
32:7 You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with glad cries of deliverance. Selah
32:8 I will instruct you and teach you the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.
32:9 Do not be like a horse or a mule, without understanding, whose temper must be curbed with bit and bridle, else it will not stay near you.
32:10 Many are the torments of the wicked, but steadfast love surrounds those who trust in the LORD.
32:11 Be glad in the LORD and rejoice, O righteous, and shout for joy, all you upright in heart.

REFLECTION
As we pray the psalms, we realise they are very human prayers. The psalmist is conscious of sin and brokenness. The need for healing and the experience of suffering (groaning) is named. Where do you see suffering – in your own life or in the lives of those close to you? How do you ask for relief from suffering? Do you want to hide, like the psalmist? When you are distressed, what comforts you?
How can we seek comfort as we pray? Others pray with com-passion… people are prepared to pray with each other, if we only ask. Could this be the week where the suggestion comes at morning tea or in a conversation: let us pray together? The steadfast love of the Lord is best expressed in being steadfast with others. What opportunities may arise this week to pray with and for others AND how are you prepared to be prayed for by others?

PRAYER TO PRAY WITH SOMEONE
Together we pray.
We pray for one another...
We pray for the world…
We pray for comfort in distress.
We pray our thanksgivings for one another.
We pray for blessing. AMEN




WEEK 2

Psalm 121
121:1 I lift up my eyes to the hills-- from where will my help come?
121:2 My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.
121:3 He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber.
121:4 He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
121:5 The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade at your right hand.
121:6 The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.
121:7 The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life.
121:8 The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time on and forevermore.

REFLECTION
Help! In a moment of panic, we may ask, where will help come from? We notice threat, danger or distress and wonder – who can help me? Help comes from beyond us and the cry for help is a recognition we are not sufficient unto ourselves. As we look around and see others also in need, we remember – God…. Could you possibly help? 
The psalmist reminds us to turn to God, to present our requests to God, to have faith that God cares.
When we think of God as a ‘keeper’ we imagine God tending to needs we might not even be aware of. God knows what is good for us and what threatens our wellbeing. Sometimes, we are not even aware ourselves of what is healthy and what diminishes us. Turning to God involves measuring our sense of right and wrong against God’s guidance for our lives, rather than simply choosing our own paths. We make the choice to be helped by one who promises to keep us well and whole.

PRAYER
Keep me in Your ways, O help of the ages.
Make me into a helper and teach me to keep your commands.
May I learn what it is to abide in You.
Amen


WEEK 3

Psalm 95
95:1 O come, let us sing to the LORD; let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation!
95:2 Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving; let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise!
95:3 For the LORD is a great God, and a great King above all gods.
95:4 In his hand are the depths of the earth; the heights of the mountains are his also.
95:5 The sea is his, for he made it, and the dry land, which his hands have formed.
95:6 O come, let us worship and bow down, let us kneel before the LORD, our Maker!
95:7 For he is our God, and we are the people of his pasture, and the sheep of his hand. O that today you would listen to his voice!
95:8 Do not harden your hearts, as at Meribah, as on the day at Massah in the wilderness,
95:9 when your ancestors tested me, and put me to the proof, though they had seen my work.
95:10 For forty years I loathed that generation and said, "They are a people whose hearts go astray, and they do not regard my ways."
95:11 Therefore in my anger I swore, "They shall not enter my rest."

REFLECTION 
Do you get ear-worms – songs that stick in your heard and just go around and around?
Sometimes the song might be a song or praise, repeating the glories of God. What is the song your could carry with you today – a song of life and delight in the one whose hands reach deep and high?
Do you long to throw yourself down and hug the earth that offers us nourishment and the place of our existence? We have a choice to make – to worship or to harden our hearts, but hardness of heart does not bring comfort or rest.

PRAYER
May my soul sing to you forever, O God!
May every breath be music and every thought be lyric.
May my footsteps dance for you.
My my hands be lifted in acknowledgement of you.
May my life be an act of praise.


WEEK 4

Psalm 23
23:1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want.
23:2 He makes me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside still waters;
23:3 he restores my soul. He leads me in right paths for his name's sake.
23:4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff-- they comfort me.
23:5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
23:6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD my whole life long.

REFLECTION
Such a spiritually significant song for so many of us, 
but with so many practical hints for daily discipleship activity…

ACTS OF PRAYER
Lie down on the grass.
Walk by the water.
Take the paths on your wandering.
Come to God’s table.
Be anointed with oil. (Use olive oil if you don’t have anything else.)
Abide in God and let God abide in you.


WEEK 5

Psalm 130
130:1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD.
130:2 Lord, hear my voice! Let your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications!
130:3 If you, O LORD, should mark iniquities, Lord, who could stand?
130:4 But there is forgiveness with you, so that you may be revered.
130:5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I hope;
130:6 my soul waits for the Lord more than those who watch for the morning, more than those who watch for the morning.
130:7 O Israel, hope in the LORD! For with the LORD there is steadfast love, and with him is great power to redeem.
130:8 It is he who will redeem Israel from all its iniquities.

REFLECTION
When you are your lowest point, who is able to respond? While friends and relatives may want to help, perhaps it is the Spirit of God who is able to open us to comfort and hope. Sometimes we do not have anything – no energy nor imagination – to be able even contemplate seeking or receiving help. Sometimes help and cope break through the fog of despair to remind us that God is the source of goodness and healing.

PRAYER
In Silence, allow God to work inside you…


WEEK 6
Psalm 31:9-16
31:9 Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eye wastes away from grief, my soul and body also.
31:10 For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my misery, and my bones waste away.
31:11 I am the scorn of all my adversaries, a horror to my neighbours, an object of dread to my acquaintances; those who see me in the street flee from me.
31:12 I have passed out of mind like one who is dead; I have become like a broken vessel.
31:13 For I hear the whispering of many-- terror all around!-- as they scheme together against me, as they plot to take my life.
31:14 But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God.
31:15 My times are in your hand; deliver me from the hand of my enemies and persecutors.
31:16 Let your face shine upon your servant; save me in your steadfast love.

REFLECTION
Grief takes over the cells of your being.
When it takes hold, grief disturbs sleep and controls the gasping desperate sobs of breath.
Sorrow pulls at the sense of being and destroys in the face of destruction already being experienced.
What whispering do we hear? Do we hear the terrors or do we intentionally listen for the whispers of comfort and promise from God? God longs to comfort us, yet it can be so hard to receive God’s embrace.

PRAYER
V.16 Let your face shine upon your servant; save me in your steadfast love.

Tuesday, 25 February 2020

Evocation #68 Definitions

Paraplegia?
Surprise in the tone as a friend is caught off-guard...
Did I miss something? she thinks with confusion.
Ahem.... he couldn’t use his right arm or right leg.
Oh - of course!
Mental adjustments as realisation hits home.
What is your identity?
Is it caught up in the scars on your face?
Is it found in your hair cut or colour?
Who are you?
Mr Ambidextrous?
Do not define me by cancer!
Or disability!
Or gender!

I am Child of God.
I am Reflection of Creator.
I am Delight and Joy.
I am Lover and Beloved.
I am Wonder and Wonder-fully made.
I am Community and Bearer of Heart.
I am Edges and Centre.
I am AND I am of the I AM.

© A A Koh-Butler, 2020

Sunday, 23 February 2020

Evocation #67 Again and again

I meet you again,
A friend from ages past,
A well-wisher,
A person who has prayed for my distress.
I come to comfort,
To tell me or show me your compassion.
You take the time and offer the gift
Of acknowledgement.

I spend a lot of my energy these days
‘holding it together’...
It’s ok to cry -
but it incredibly inconvenient
if you have to deliver a report or two...

A kind friend, one who has been to this place,
Asks the key question:
When do you miss him most?
The morning - first thing,
When we could cuddle in bed, drink a cuppa,
Pray together, plan the day.

He reminded me of purpose and work,
foci to keep the days in order...
Reasons to get up -
because your need something now.
He shared the experience of being able to shout.
How wonderful to be able to cry out
to stars and sun,
to trees and paddocks,
To eternal witnesses
Of love and longing.

This story is not only mine,
although it is deeply personal.
It is the human story
of the consequence of love...
Dear Bard, you wrote of love and loss,
So perhaps you shared it too -
the joy and despair of humanity?

© A A Koh-Butler, 2020

Friday, 21 February 2020

Evocation #66 Heaven

Do you spare a thought?
In your fascination among the blessed, is there room for earthy things?
Do you wonder as you discover, old and new and a deeper reality?
Are you partying with friends, in joyful fulfillment?
How can you celebrate while we are here?
I have friends too - together we toss between cries and comforts.
We call and message, sending gentle encouragements,
for truly nothing but gentle works anymore...
Strength left to go with you.

I prepare for a busy week on earth
and dream of heaven.
I hope there is music,
solos and orchestras,
lots of angel choruses...
Do we get to sing along?

I ready myself for the day,
Wishing you could send
just a little heaven my way.

© A A Koh-Butler, 2020

Evocation #65 Separation

Throughout the ages, husbands and wives have been separated, not by choice, but by circumstances. War, poverty, work, migration, seeking refuge - all these may see couples in different places, unable to communicate, anxious for one another. This is for them.
.................................

On the train from Parramatta to Sydney City...

A lone woman wears her scarf and stares into an unknown world.
What does she see with those sad and longing eyes?
Does she see her handsome lover?
Does she see the food served in production lines of tastelessness?
Does she see him washing his own clothes and folding his own socks?
Does she remember when she could do these things for him?
... not because she was a woman, but because he was her man.
Her body is hidden under long and flowing garments,
As is her soul.
She bears a weight of solitude in this carriage of many.

A busy man leaps onto the train,
catching the pole to balance himself and swings into a seat.
Quickly, he pulls off his sedate necktie,
rolls it carefully for storage in backpack.
From same storage emerges a polo shirt,
logo-ed for delivery.
Bike clips for trousers applied and adjusted.
Ready now for the next job.
One day, he may have enough to get her here.
With a few moments to himself,
He closes his eyes,
sees her face,
the contours of her neck,
hears her tender alto,
smells her warmth...

Each separation of stars in the sky
sees them chasing each other
in endless cycles of nights between days.
Time passes as daily life continues
And loneliness turns into surrogate companion.
When do stars collide?
Only at the end of time?

© A A Koh-Butler, 2020

Thursday, 20 February 2020

Evocation #64 Hold On

In exhaustion, I lay myself down
But cannot sleep,
For you are no longer providing the calm rhythm for breath,
Nor the warm comfort of holding me and being held.
The quilt wraps me in the love of others and I am held.
It helps to know of the prays prayed in other homes.
Texts come from different quarters, unexpected,
and all the more blessing for that.

© A A Koh-Butler, 2020

Tuesday, 18 February 2020

Evocation #63 Honorary queer and honouring stories

When I was invited to offer culturally diverse bible studies for a ‘Daring’ Conference in Melbourne, Terry came with me and we were granted the titles of ‘honorary queer’. This was both respectful and humbling.

About 9 weeks after Terry’s death, I accompanied a friend to go to a performance of Queer Stories at the Riverside Theatre. There was a moment when I observed one of the members of the audience. She was young and had a beautiful blue Mohawk. My friend grabbed my hand and held it tightly.


Friendship moved swiftly into pastoral rescue.
My friend understood.
My heart had stopped and my breathing was shallow.
I could not think.
I was frozen in a moment of eternity/
My friend squeezed my hand,
Grounding me in this time and place,
not letting me escape into oblivion.
I delighted in her youth and my perception of her innocence.
Yet, if she was at this performance,
she probably already had too much life experience,
tucked away into her soul.
In some ways, she carried his confidence...
So few people can really wear a bright blue Mohawk!
I miss his confidence,
his embrace of life and daily wisdom.
I miss his engagement with complete strangers,
The way he would strike up conversations of significance,
life-changing conversations, influential moments,
likely to impact the directions of the world.
I realise that in my heart,
I believe he was God’s agent -
responsible for spinning the world
and contributing energy and life to others.
I know God has other agents.
Indeed, there is a great long list of characters,
People of spirit and purpose...
He joins them in the great cloud of witnesses.
We rest upon the heritage they have given to us.
So my present relies on the past.

Whenever I see blue hair
and whenever someone comments on mine,
I recollect how he would respond
And engage in interactions for life.

© A A Koh-Butler, 2020

Evocation #62 Anniversaries

At death plus two months,
I poured a glass of wine.
I moved your shirts to the other cupboard.
I emptied your backpack.
I talked to the kids.
I wept.

I go to work and tell people honestly
It is good to be back - for it is...
But it costs a lot to be civil and social
when all i want to do is curl up and sob.

I celebrated two years of working with my colleagues.
There has been some shifting around.
I try to find a new rhythm, based on what I think I know.
tough - everything is new again... nothing feels the same
and instinct has disappeared, gone walkabout.

Valentine’s Day came and went.
I bought myself some chocolate.
I ration myself kindly.
I brought the Campus Reception flowers home
Having won the fundraising bid.
I have to act as if I love myself now
and trick myself into thinking
that self-love will do.

And so I face that year people talk about,
Of birthdays and anniversaries.

© A A Koh-Butler, 2020

Evocation #61 Hospital Visit

I was called by a friend to visit a relative in hospital. This was my first visit back since Terry’s passing....


Don the collar, prep the prayer,
Pack a bag with useful items.
Learn some names, read a bio.
Pray some more...

Ride the trike, feel the breeze,
Catch the sun and scare the birds,
Cruise along the pathway,
weaving ‘tween unhurried walkers.

Up the hill towards the place
of healing and of dying.
Both hopes are known to me
and I find myself praying
to the rhythm of the pedals.

I lock the machine and enter the building,
Checking the Ward and Bed number.
As I walk the hall, I spy some women,
Yes - they answer my Enquiries,
We are visiting him too.

We travel together to find the waiting room
where family gather and stories are shared.
It seems good to share some basic info...
much as he used to in waiting rooms.

We talk and share and grieve the situation,
Yet, I know, they still hang onto some hope,
For he still breathes, despite his pain.
I remember my thoughts and hopes
from mere weeks ago. So little time, this eternity.

How long with this time persist - this purgatory?
Hope now is in death - unlikely to come for years yet.
Will this daily wailing ease?
People do not easily see the grieving I keep apart.

This hospital visit allows me to wonder
at what has been lost and gained and experienced.
So much struggle - years of it.
Would I wish for less for this boy?

After the visit, i step into the lift,
But go up rather than down.
I go to his ward and visit the staff.
I say thanks and let them know of the peaceful departure.
One more loose end is tied - prettily.

I ride home, watering the plants on the path as I go.

© A A Koh-Butler, 2020

Friday, 14 February 2020

Evocation #60 Waiting

Arrive before your appointment.
Bring something to read.
Listen to your playlist.
Play games to pass the time.
Don’t get sucked into daytime television -
it will rot your brain...
(more than brain cancer!)

I thought I was prepared,
But now I ask:
Is this the list for life now?
Am I simply waiting to join you?
What else am I meant to do?
You didn’t wait for me.
You went without me.
You went without me.
You went without me.

We build waiting into the rhythms of life
And, accompanying you, we waited on your death,
But this waiting is not part of the rhythm.
It is purgatory.
It is the little death than comes with loss of life.
It is the thin place where
the trappings of celebration wrap frozen tears.
It will be hard to thaw what is difficult to find
- the beating heart.

Moments like this are still 
as I wait upon the knowledge 
that breath will come 
despite the faint hope 
that it will not 
and the waiting will be over.

Expertise in waiting - 
I see it in the carriage 
of the ancient ones 
who have long sat in this waiting room.
Startled at the prospect I settle in 
and wonder how I will occupy myself.

© A A Koh-Butler, 2020

Thursday, 13 February 2020

Evocation #59 Tonight

I understand about the stars...
Sometimes you feel so distant you must be that far away.
So, I search the skies for signs of heaven
and wonder
about the absence of heaven and the absence of you.

At other times, you might as well be in the seat 
here, by my side.
I chat away to you - perhaps not audibly, 
but I can hear 
and I’m sure you can.

So far - so close - 
So distant - so near.

Tonight there are clouds in the sky.
The signs will be hard to identify 
but behind the clouds is still there.
I do not have the evidence, 
but I do have faith.

Break through in my dreams, beloved.
Break through and come to my longing heart.
Break through and convince me to keep breathing.
Break through the fog and whisper in my spirit.

© A A Koh-Butler, 2020

Wednesday, 12 February 2020

Evocation #58 Food and Feasts





I am invited. I accept.
I am grateful for thoughfulness.


It is strange how little things seem so much bigger.
Messages.
Calls.
Photos.


People who remember dates - surprise me.
They must be good pray-ers...
not necessarily the ones who compose articulate prayers,
but people who hold you
and abide in God with their generous thoughts.
This mindfulness seems huge and a form of spiritual hug.


I order premade meals for a week
so I do not have to cook for one.
I took pleasure in cooking for him,
in feeding him,
in caring for him.
I gave energy to find anything he might like
or respond to,
foods and drinks for please or health.


Does anyone else in the world use so much organic tumeric or aloe?


So now the orange root grows mouldy and the aloe takes over the balcony.
They miss him too.


I will feast in my soul with friends and family.
They love me and I love them.
I am invited. I accept.
I am grateful for thoughfulness.


© A A Koh-Butler, 2020

Evocation #57 Condolence


Condolences offered and received,
daily greetings of compassion and courtesy.
How does one respond?
How should I respond?
I appreciate the care and concern of people who are colleagues and acquaintances,
people who did not know him well,
yet are considerate enough to notice and acknowledge.
I do not want to burden them with my strange reality
of half-life and monochrome worldview.
It is not that I do not appreciate creation around me,
I simply observe it with less life, in death.
For now my life carries death as a constant companion.
I am not morbid,
for I walk around and laugh and dance and sing,
but death remains.
I am in a relationship with consolation,
enjoying the benefits of understanding and generosity.
So, I am grateful for condolences.


One day, soon perhaps,
I may even be brave enough to read the cards.




(C) A A Koh-Butler, 2020

Monday, 10 February 2020

Evocation #52 Young People

Observing interactions, enjoying the laughter and joyfulness,
Missing you is amplified by the knowledge -
They look for you too.
How many youngsters have sought your wisdom?
You were always more of a youth worker than I,
Always more of a teacher,
Always more of a mentor.
You suited young people and they suited you.
What a match!

They come to tell me how much they miss you,
Longing for the smile and laugh,
the word that makes identity whole.
So do I, my love,
and the longing tingles with memories
sharply piercing the demeanor I struggle to maintain.

I am working so hard to carry peace with me,
for these young ones are still so full of the life you encouraged.
I want to honour what you started
but so much feels shallow without you here.
I drink another glass of water, gasp another lungful of oxygen
And set myself on task - to keep my eye on young people.
Our priorities have not really changed.

(C) A A Koh-Butler, 2020

Evocation #56 Coffylosophy Blessing

Coffylosophy Blessing


A certain blessing in the cup,
Made in love, offered in generosity…
Jesus loves you!

A certain blessing in the greeting, 
welcoming both body and soul, 
as whole.
The Spirit moves.

A certain blessing in the slice of health and wholeness,
Shared with stories and the passing of days.
Renewal comes with the sweet and bitter,
Creating new cycles of conversation.

We wait on the living 
arising from empty plates and cups, 
ready to filled over and over.

Thank you, Good and Gracious Source of Blessing!


© A A Koh-Butler, 2020

Evocation #55 Denial


Denial


Is it denial to talk to him in my head, 
to hold a rolling commentary, 
knowing I am only imagining his responses?

Is it denial to continue to eat what he thought was healthy?
Is it denial to go to the places that make meaning for us? 
Not because of the places but because 
I use the term make rather than made?

Is it denial to place him in my present 
when his life is past?

Is denial the same as rejection?
Is denial simply saying no?
Perhaps the time of mourning 
is the No 
of my body and soul 
to explanations or narratives of the mind?
Truth struggles to integrate the facets of my life
and I resist assumptions about how life will evolve now.
He is not present to help me with my choices, 
but I strongly deny the choice to move ahead without him.
No.
I will seek a path where 
it is not wrong 
for his story to continue in mine.
Is this denial?
Who dares deny me?

© A A Koh-Butler, 2020

Evocation #54 Changing His Story


Changing His Story

He wore his masculinity so well.
Sexy! He stood as a fine figure – an athlete, a dancer.
His charismatic attraction always making heads turn, 
with admiration or surprise at such vibrancy passing by.

Salesmen rubbed hands with delight 
as a perfect fit walked into menswear…
Off the rack, modeled as tailored, whenever 
he flung back the curtain of a change room.

I wore him with pride on my arm, 
instantly made more attractive by his glow.
We exuded the delight of lovers, 
showing our devotion and experience of beauty 
to anyone who bothered to glance in our direction.

He taught me not to be afraid 
of my identity as a woman in the world.
He taught me to enjoy being loved 
both in public and in private.
Affection did not need to be hyper-sexualized 
or treated as dirty or disgusting. 
Rather, he taught me to enjoy being a daughter of God 
and the queen of his heart.  

As his wife, I ceased to be a girl and became a woman, 
not because of what we did in the bedroom, 
but because I experienced 
the deep respect and encouragement of a generous husband.
He raised me to a higher identity than I had experienced before.
He did not measure my value by what I offered him, 
but showed me he was devoted 
to being my strongest cheerleader.
He took on the responsibility of dedicating himself 
to helping name to be the best I could be.
He blest me.

What could I offer this man who gave me so much?
He was a servant to so many 
and one who stirred many pots.
If I could influence one thing 
I would say his story continues 
in whether or not those who knew him
seek the breadth of life or whether they settle for less. 
Less is death, he would say. 
Life is the opportunity to expand horizons, 
so keep adding to and changing his story. 

© A A Koh-Butler, 2020

Evocation #53 Haunts

Haunts


Once people spoke of ghosts,
Haunting places, repeating stories.
We had a home here together.
Such challenges we faced, 
such joys and disappointments.
I meet with faces, 
sporting sympathetic eyes, 
using softer voices than I recall.

As I walk the streets and meet in our places
I hear the references to past. 
The words are largely of my part in the stories,
But they are not the words I long to hear.
The stories, mostly unknown, untold, forgotten? – 
are the stories of your presence and power.

You have become a statue, 
on which perch pigeons and doves, 
more likely to recollect 
your breathing and your movement.
You walked and ate and stumbled, 
bantering life in words 
as you held the souls of others up.

I imagine your left hand cradling 
the truths of the vulnerable, 
as your right hand curled toward your core, 
keeping the connection 
between freedom and vulnerability.

I am still haunted by your abiding power, 
offering inspiration to those 
who would now pay homage to your memory.
Their devotion to you is real 
and I observe it and wonder 
what their memories mean to me?

I grieve that you suffered so greatly.
With broken body and daily confrontation of trama
you embraced life with such fierceness and devotion.
I sit in rooms with people who knew you 
and see you haunt them… 
still challenging them – 
I hear your banter when they speak or sit in groups.
I keep seeing how you see. 
I keep hearing how you hear.
I keep speaking with your words.
I feel your presence, continuing to haunt 
each moment.

© A A Koh-Butler, 2020

Thursday, 6 February 2020

Evocation #51 Prophet

Speak! Speak up!
Do not let death silence your voice.
So much to say and such style in the saying.
Where is the voice of the prophet beyond the grave?
Is it in the stories we tell or the sayings you left?
Is it in the actions and accountabilities you set in train?

You gave me voice and agency...
In marriage, in partnership, in life.
You saw me and heard me.
You were the mirror truer than any physical reflection,
Offering appreciation and the blessed critique
of drawing forth the better yet to come.

You invested in the unsure voice,
in the cracked pot, in the bruised lover.
You saw what I could be, at my best,
even though you knew my worst.

Who will prophecy over my life now?

(C) A A Koh-Butler, 2020

Tuesday, 4 February 2020

Evocation #50 Foolishness (in Adelaide)

I might try to be wise, but defeat comes
in the realization of persistent foolishness.
Walking and breathing feels foolish folly
as memories flood the senses,
on paths once known,
newly experienced as solo pilgrimage.

Observing blooms of roses
on verges previously trod or ridden
in hopeful company,
now without sense of present or presence -
Only past pleasures and promised mystery.

I see buildings and characters
reminding me of loss.
Busyness contrasts with emptiness,
hopelessness tugs at faith,
trying to work disintegrations and recasting clutter.
Pieces regather into a new mosaic,
trying to combine in narrative:
Is this a story worth writing into soul
or should it be cremated and left in the wilderness?

Coffees and friendships,
forged in difficulty and hardship,
offer companionship and understanding.
Strength may be both foolishness and wisdom,
offered graciously, received as a tribute to love.

(C) A A Koh-Butler, 2020

Monday, 3 February 2020

Evocation #49. Beatitude of Death (3)

Do not try to intervene in grieving,
For it is one of the blessings of death.
Do not try to dry the tears,
rather let them fall and nourish the decaying earth.
Do not defy the calling to love and live as mortals,
with all the risk and defeats,
for the single victories are worth striving for.

The sentence of death came so long ago...
Some would say “At Birth”.
Yet, reality of mortality
is a mentality - an attitude
driving us into richer, more colourful living.
In Death, there remains
the possibility of carrying echoes
that become beautiful in their own way.

The music resounds, comforting choruses
In hymns and anthems, ballads and laments.
Can my voice find a place within the choir?
Sing a descant? Perhaps not yet.
Perhaps I need to find a part among others
At least for awhile.

(C) A A Koh-Butler, 2020

Evocation #48 Beatitude of Death (2)

(Blessed are those who mourn) - for they shall be comforted...
(Jesus, as recorded in Matthew 5:4b)

Pictures of babies held in his arms,
Comforting grandpa.
Wrinkly smile and sparkle blue eyes,
Comforting grandpa.

Tired return to a household unknown,
Comforting brother.
Stories of friends and mates not returning,
Comforting brother.

Admission of shame and hearing the stories,
Comforting father.
Searching with torch to find one who’s lost,
Comforting father.

Memories of sorrows, sadnesses, echoes,
Comforting husband.
Physical ailments, losing of dream,
Comforting husband.

Playing your games and final advice,
Comfort of family.
Taking your leave, Going in death,
Comfort of friends.

(C) A A koh-Butler, 2020