At death plus two months,
I poured a glass of wine.
I moved your shirts to the other cupboard.
I emptied your backpack.
I talked to the kids.
I wept.
I go to work and tell people honestly
It is good to be back - for it is...
But it costs a lot to be civil and social
when all i want to do is curl up and sob.
I celebrated two years of working with my colleagues.
There has been some shifting around.
I try to find a new rhythm, based on what I think I know.
tough - everything is new again... nothing feels the same
and instinct has disappeared, gone walkabout.
Valentine’s Day came and went.
I bought myself some chocolate.
I ration myself kindly.
I brought the Campus Reception flowers home
Having won the fundraising bid.
I have to act as if I love myself now
and trick myself into thinking
that self-love will do.
And so I face that year people talk about,
Of birthdays and anniversaries.
© A A Koh-Butler, 2020
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