Evocation #32 Widowing

Written at the National Wesleyan Methodist Conference, Philip Island, Victoria, this reflection followed the keynote delivered by Rev Mike Hilson.
...

The centrepiece of identity sets a sense of truth in life...
I am who I am. Am I not?
How I see myself impacts on how I see others.
My thinking impacts on what I regard to be true.
How I think will determine what I do.
My actions determine my habits.
If something I do is good and true, I call it a habit.
If something I do is bad and undermines my true identity, I call it an addiction.
What then is my truth when when I say:
I am a widow?

Such a label carries so much.
It carries a history of marriage.
It carries a history of my life and the life of another.
If history is written by the victors, who writes my story?
Him or me? Or God?
Where is the victory in widowing?
Death where is thy sting?
All very well to talk of Christus Victor!
All very well to talk of way, truth and life.
All very well to claim resurrection.
Where is it? Bring it on!

Go without me? Will you just?
Leave me alone? Deserter!

Being a widow sucks!
Can it be good?
Can it become good?

Being a widow means being defined
by what has been
and what is now missing.
Being a widow means no longer being whole.
It means being broken.
Being a widow means grief casts shadows on any laughter or joy.
Grief tugs at hope and undermines wholeness.
Widowing is the struggle to integrate grief into a life of faith.
How do I give expression to Widowing with honesty and integrity?

To widow well, I need to learn how to love in absentia.
To widow well, I need to find a new form of dignity.
To widow well, I need to trust my vulnerability into the hands of Gods healing Spirit.
To widow well, I look to others who have gone before me.
Gift me an identity as a daughter of Heaven.
Do not forsake me.
Amen

(C) A A Koh-Butler, 2020