Evocation #39 Early hours

You wake me in the early hours
‘What do you need?’ I hear myself asking.
So many times, I woke.
So many times, you needed me.

I reach out and tap the wall.
I knew this. I knew.
Nevertheless, the conversation continues
As I rise quietly, to my business,
return to the comforting covers.
No - there is nothing i can d for you now
And nothing you can do for me.
We are apart.
We cannot call home.
We cannot make plans.
We cannot.

I lie awake
in this state of knowing
and unknowing.
No point in wondering,
 just contemplating, considering,
turning over this understanding
of not being us.

I pull the covers close,
finding coziness and warmth,
Body aching
from the constant effort of grief,
Resting in the state of struggle,
breathing calmly,
willing an ease to the stabbing feelings,
willing the tension in tired muscles to release...
But not too much...
There is still a long way to go.

(C) A A Koh-Butler, 2020